youre lurking in front of me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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