Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
