I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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