when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
