Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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