It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
