When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
