Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
