the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize