new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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