the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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