quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
