My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
