remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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