I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
