she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
