You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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