I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
