i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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