can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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