you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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