guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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