i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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