it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
