I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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