i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
