she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
