Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
