Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
