Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
