Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
