two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize