so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
