I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
