Your face is a jimmy john
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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