can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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