My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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