I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
