If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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