come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
