im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
