capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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