Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
