she woke up with a sticky ear
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
