pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
