from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
