my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
