My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
