it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize