I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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