I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
