You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
