i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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