you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize