when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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