I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it was like eating out sand paper
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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