so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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