Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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