I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
