last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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