i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
