I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
