I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
