Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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