Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
