Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
