Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
