Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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