He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
