Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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